England's Letters to the World!
by Fruity Loops of Pain
Summary: "So? Sure I'm involuntarily participating in the very idea I think is stupid! The key word here is INVOLUNTARILY! I'd never voluntarily do anything that git Alfred makes up!" UPDATED
1. Gentlemanly Intro

Hello!

My name is Arthur Kirkland.

Also known as England or the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (UK).

I had just come from partaking upon the much loved part of my day-tea time if you were wondering-when I came across this...this _horrible_ discovery! That bloody git Alfred has managed to start a trend of some sort! It is hard to believe that even an American idiot like him can manage to create anything. Especially a bloody trend! Why would any being in their right mind want to imitate anything that American manages to start? I cannot believe that certain people actually strike a fancy in this ridiculous idea!

But, putting those thoughts aside, I have not come to you to whine in an ungentlemanly like fashion about my completely true and liable complaints, but rather, about an idea that has somehow found its way inside the heads of certain people. What if I were to...request letters from other counties and people as well...o-or something like that...but before you say anything against me, just know that this is COMPLETELY involuntary. Certain bosses from certain places could want their beautiful countries to…expand their horizons and get to know the human species better...No! This is not because I am lonely or friendless or anything of the sort, because I have many friends obviously, but because of those who shall not be named...for personal reasons...

…

At any rate, since I seem to be drifting off on completely necessary tangents, I believe I should be getting down to the end.

In the most simplistic terms, our job here is this. You send me a letter. I read the letter. I respond to that letter. You read that letter.

That is not too hard, correct? However, if you are an idiotic, brainless, ninny like (America, France, Siblings) then this may be too great a task for you to partake in.

Although, if you are a dignified and kind person, I am looking forward to your-wait, nevermind...

What is wrong with me today?...I am saying all of these things that make no sense whatsoever...I think I'll go and have some more tea...and maybe some more of my _delicious_ and _well made_ scones. Take that Alfred and you damn Frog...These scones are only for me!

~Arthur Kirkland.

Also known as England or the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Good day.

**XXXXXX**

**OK people. I've never really wrote a thing about England but still, I hope I managed to get his amazing personality just right.**

**Inspiration derived from ciddlesandbits and his/her story, "Alfred's Letter's to the World", StaraLaura and her(?) story "Letters of L'amour," and all of the other totally amazing Letter's to the World Fics.**

**Oh and...if anyone has already done an England's Letter's to the World story, PLEASE TELL ME RIGHT AWAY!**

**Both England and I want to hear from you! **


	2. From Ivan

**From Ivan: By PimpinSushi**

**XXXXX**

Dear Arthur,

Привет my friend! How are you these days?

Considering you're writing this, I can only assume that your poisonous death scones have not killed you yet. That is swell!

Your brother Ireland has recently been contacting me and he sounds rather... angry; do you and him have some sort of unsettled history? If so, please get on good terms quickly before he punches a puppy or something.

I realize that I may be prying into your business, but I hear a certain British gentleman is getting rather cozy with an improper Frenchman. Is this true, Arthur? If so, have you no shame? D:

Things are going rather... odd here in Russia. I assume you have heard about the fires, correct? But the good news is we will be hosting the Olympics in 2014! Grand, да? I will give you a giant hug when I see you. ((It is not optional.))

Well, I wish you the best with your Big Ben... and your Rum... and your insanely huge eyebrows.

Your friend,

Иван Брагинский

P.S. Become one with Mother Russia, да?

P.P.S. That is not optional either. да or да?

**X**X**X**X**X**

Hello...Ivan...

It does not surprise me that you are the first country to send me a letter. Mainly because you are always among the first to insult me. Like going so far as to say, and I quote, "I can only assume that your poisonous death scones have not killed you yet."

The scones that I had earlier were _succulent_, thank you! They were made from the finest ingredients in all of England. Also, all of my fairies think that my scones are the best in the whole bloody world, so naff off!

Contacting you? Unsettled history? Get on good terms? First off, that drunkard Ireland actually converses with you? Surely it must have been by force because in actuality, the only reason why someone would be talking to you would be for the reason of _wanting_ to talk to you (No one) or work (Everyone). Secondly, Ireland is the one who always brings forth argument! One second he wants Northern Ireland to join the Republic of Ireland, and then he wants to say with me. So thirdly, we are not on good terms.

And hell no! There is no way France and I-

-*blush*-

No! Even the image of seeing that perverted France with...m-me...god no. It worries me that you are interested in my...personal life. Please do me a favor and leave me the bloody hell alone?

Of course I have heard about your 'unfortunate mishap' Ivan. What makes you think I give a piss that you caught on fire? What makes you think I care about the fact that you are hosting the Olympics? I don't care, Ivan!

But what I do give a fuck about is that I have to go over to your _fucking_ cold country where the cooking is fucking _confusing_ and the _tea is a fucking joke_! Just know that this year, England is going to send your ridiculously large arse to hell! Oh wait, Russia is hell already! Take that Ivan! And when I show up, don't touch me!

I ignored this but earlier you said that Ireland is going to punch a puppy. Well you know what is worse? Russians _EAT_ puppies! And cats and horses and rabbits! And yet again I say…take that Ivan!

What do you mean by all of that nonsense? I am not even going to comment on that Big Ben remark and also, my Rum is the best in whole world. Even better than your Russian water crap. What do you call that? Vodka?

And there is NOTHING wrong with my eyebrows!

Burn in hell (a.k.a. Russia)-well, again I should say,

~Arthur Kirkland.

Also known as England or the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

P.S: For the umpteenth time, my answer is no!

P.P.S: I think I know someone willing enough to become one with you. Try your sister. You will save us all.

**XXXXXX**

**~Translations~**

**Привет - Hello**

**Иван Брагинский - Ivan Braginski**

**да – Yes**

**naff off – A British term that usually means back off, leave me alone, or how it is used in the sentence above, to fuck off. (Don't even ask me why I wanted to use that word)**

**Crappers that felt long~ There was a lot of stuff in that first letter! **

**Oh and, hopefully, it won't take me this long to post **_**one **_**letter response. I had to do SO MUCH stuff today...**

**But whatever...I'll try to get the next one up tomorrow morning if not tonight.**

**P.S. It's weird speaking like a proper brit. God I'm American. XD**


	3. From Lunar

**From** **Lunareclipse3**

**XXXXX**

Dear Iggy,

'ello! Thanks for writing to us, I'm sure it's taking time out of your oh so pressing schedule~! So I was watching the news the other day and I was so happy to find out you and Francis have finally made amends and become Allies! That's great but what did Alfred think, hmm? *wiggles eyebrows*

On the subject of Alfred, why are there so many noncon fics between you and him, hmm? Is there a grain of truth in any off them? Hmm?

On a lighter note, I love your eyebrows and have apparently inherited them, being from Ghana one of the countries you colonized. So thanks~ I guess. My friends don't agree they are so awesome...

Tell Alfred 'hi' and take a trip down to Florida for him, if you know what I mean, okay ;)

~Lunar

**X**X**X**X**X**

Dear Lunar,

I give you many thanks! It makes me happy to see that people actually care about what I am doing and feeling! Thank you! But, do not worry. My tremendously full schedule includes writing to you. After all, it _is_ my new...job...

*clears throat*

Yes, France and I are now...allies. Not that I _needed _and ally. No, no! Of course not! And what do you mean exactly? I do not care what Alfred thinks of my new alliance. Besides, we have not spoken since...let's see...the last meeting? He hasn't even called me up on the phone...Not that I care. Besides he is most likely busier than even me because of his appalling economy.

N-noncon fics? Do you mean nonconsensual fiction? Between _Alfred and I_? You read that crap? I don't bloody _know_ why there are so many and of course there is nothing true about any of them! None of those things actually happened between us and quite frankly, it never will!

Yes, a lighter note. I need to calm down...

So you have my eyebrows? Continue to wear them with pride, then, just as I have. And I hope you trim them every once in a while! It takes a bit of work to make them look like mine. You should know as well as I do that they sometimes have sudden and unpredictable growsperts. Oh and make sure you wash them too. You never know what may be hiding in there...

Ghana? Oh yes, I remember. It was not very pleasant for me. You understand, with the frequent wars and whatnot?

And your friends probably have slim eyebrows like that dirty frog France, so they are plain and bland. Just remember that, and like I said earlier. Wear them with _pride_!

I will not comply with your request! And yes, I know full well what you mean and no! It will not be happening!

Though I can tell you this. Do you know my pet, Emilia? You know; my unicorn? She says 'hi'.

~Arthur Kirkland.

Also known as England or the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Good day.

**XXXXXX**


	4. From Carmen

**From Carmen/Chile (i wrote this song for you)**

**XXXXX**

England, United Kingdom, Iggy,

So I hear that to think you're pretty cool. And stuff and I also hear that you play a mean flute. You have sexy eyebrows and a sexy voice to go along with them. Uh... So tell me my good sir, why is it that you act like you have a stick shoved up your ass? Spain-niichan told me... But he also told me not to talk to you because you can't cook and are a ruthless pirate. I don't think so. You should come visit South America some time... And if you're wondering what was going on in my mind in that first sentence... I have no idea. One more thing; I might have accidentally stolen all of your tea... By accident...

Please don't kill me...

Carmen V.C (Chile)

**X**X**X**X**X**

Dear Carmen,

I...did not quite understand what you meant by that first sentence. And I do not play a flute, either. Are there more rumors floating around that I know absolutely nothing about?

Oh! T-thank you! :D I...do not know what to say in response to that compliment though. However, I_ have_ been told that before, well, excluding the bit about my sexy eyebrows...but I probably should not have spoken about that. It is not as if people need to know about hi–...Nevermind!

What? I-I do not act like I have a _stick_ shoved up my bottom! Spain? OH of course _he_ of all people would say such a thing! And yes I _can_ cook thank you! What could he _possibly_ know about cooking anyway! Everything he makes tastes only of tomatoes!

A ruthless pirate? That would have been a lovely compliment in the old days...ah, how I miss those days...

~Reminiscence of a pirate~

Visit South America, hmm? Maybe. That would have to be dependent on whether or not my schedule will allow travel.

. . .

You have...stolen...all of my tea? What?

*Goes to check*

. . .

. .

.

_THE HELL?_ WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALL OF MY TEA? I WANT THE WHOLE LOT BACK RIGHT NOW, CHILE! IF YOU DON'T I WILL TELL BOLIVIA TO STEAL ALL OF YOUR GRAPES SO YOU CAN STOP MAKING WINE! I BET THAT WOULD RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FRANCE, RIGHT?

GIVE ME BACK MY TEA,

~ARTHUR KIRKLAND

ALSO KNOWN AS THE UNITED BLOODY KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITIAN AND NORTHERN IRELAND!

**XXXXXX**

**Wow, if I was British, I'd most certainly kill you right now. But then again, I could always just go to the store and buy some more. :/**

**And I forgot to mention this earlier. Please try not to send a letter in the point of view that someone else is already using. Meaning, if someone sends a letter that was sent by Sealand, you shouldn't send a letter that is also by Sealand. Unless you're sending a continuation of that letter and that person says you can, kay? Thanks! **


	5. From Portugal

**From Portugal (Sorairo Warai)**

**XXXXX**

Dear Inglaterra (England/Arthur Kirkland),

Como você faz, meu querido amigo (How are you doing, my dear friend)? Anyways, I found it rather humorístico (humorous) that you decided to follow América and França(France) on this growing trend. Oh well, whatever floats your boat. Also, of course you have friends. You at least have me, Portugal.

Anyways, those scones I had at your place the last time I visited you; were absolutely delicioso (delicious). I don't why everyone else says your cooking is dreadful crap. Besides, any food that is made with love, no matter how bad it may be, is always worth eating.

Well, sadly I must be off. Tenha um dia maravilhoso, meu querido amigo (Have a marvelous day, my dear friend).

Sincerely,

Portugal (Silvia Dias)

P.S. I hope I fall into the category of "dignified and kind person". ;)

**X**X**X**X**X**

Dear Silvia,

I am doing fine, thank you for wondering.

I am _following _neither France nor America! It is just that I...I...ugh! I explained this earlier!

Thank you for that too, but...why did you say 'at least' as if you were my only friend? I have other friends as well! Like...Chile...Hong Kong (I think)...y-you...and my fairies! In total, I have over ten fairy friends!

And yes I know. My scones are simply _divine_ are they not? Dreadful crap? Nobody has ever actually said that, now that I think about it. They have only said they are 'bad tasting' or like how that Ivan puts it, 'Death scones.'... hmm...

'No matter how bad it may be'? Silvia, I am not sure if you are trying to reassure me or trying to insult me.

Actually, there are a lot of strange innuendoes in this letter...

Well, putting that aside, I hope to hear from you again!

~Arthur Kirkland (You all probably know my _formal_ name by memory I presume?)

P.S. Of course you do! And you would even more if...I wasn't suspecting of this letter.

**XXXXX**

**I don't know if it was just me but that letter seemed like it was full of sarcasm. xD**


	6. From France

**From France (makeshift-rolley) **

**XXXXX**

Dear Angleterre,

What makes you want me to taste your scones? They are très mal. Even if you think they're 'well-made', they're still terrible compared to moi. Don't worry if you just let me teach you how to cook, you'll do better. As of now, I'm just going to rub it into your face until you let me cook for you. Again with your short temper, I'm not sure how are you going to get people to write letters to you. Also if you don't cook any better, I'm not sure if people won't even come close to you.

So, how are you Angleterre? I'm sure it's as cold and damp there. That's why your hair is just as soggy as ever when you come into meetings. Wait, your hair's been wet and soggy ever since I've met you. Oh Angleterre, when would things change? Ever since I've met you, we've always been at war.

Mais, it's so fun to insult you. :D

Francis Bonnefoy, France

P.S. If you don't want me to cook for you, I've sent you cooking books. But they're in français.

**X**X**X**X**X**

Idiot Frog,

Stop insulting my precious scones! I do not need you to show me how to cook because, for the last time, I can cook just fine already! And they _are_ well made, you damn wanker! Though you wouldn't know that since you, of course, have no taste in good food.

As if I would let myself eat any of the disgusting French garbage you call food. Only your population would dare have _snails_ as a meal.

My temper rises for feasible reasons but mainly it's the people like you who piss me off! And please, look how many people have already sent me letters!

Won't even come close to me? Speak for your own damn self! I don't know why both you and Alfred hate my cook so damn much (Because everybody else seems to like it) but I am not going to change a bloody _thing_ about my cooking! Not if my artistic British cuisine keeps you away from me!

HA! As if you give a hell about how I am! Even after you've insulted me!

It seems as if we are getting into each other's _looks_ now, are we?

Well your _girly_ hair (that could never beat mine) and that godforsaken beard-thing makes you look like some homosexual _rapist_...which you are. And why do you have curves? No man has _curves_!

It depresses me that you had to pass it down to the only good North American country out there. What was his name? He was Alfred's brother right? Wait, Alfred _does_ have a brother...right?

N-no matter! I feel as if I have insulted you just enough that I can go and have my hourly tea. And scones. Hmm...actually, instead of scones, how about two biscuits, made fresh from the kitchen. Wait, why am I telling you all of this!

~Arthur Kirkland

P.S. Yes, I have received them. Too bad, I used them to help put out the fire in my kitchen after I succeeded in making biscuits. Ahh...they were delicious...

**XXXXXX**

**I'm sure all of you know this already but not everything Iggy says is true. I'm not trying to be offensive...just realistic XD**

**Because...**

**French people can cook**

**Arthur cannot **

**I love escargot (French snails)**

**France is sexy**

**Canadians rule**

**Oh and makeshift, don't worry, you sounded totally like him to me!**


	7. From Elizabeth

**From: cross-over-lover232 **

**If you're offended by my edits you can yell at me if you want. ^^'**

**XXXXX**

Dear Sir Kirkland,

My name is Elizabeth, and I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to be able to write to you at last. It truly is an honor that I thought I would never have! I sent along some home baked chocolate chip cookies for you to have at tea time, I hope that doesn't offend you...

I would like to know about the fruits and vegetables you like best and which you detest, if that is not too much trouble? I myself love the taste of green beans right from the garden and strawberries plucked right from a vine.

The colours I like best are white and blue, but never red, it reminds me far too much of bloodshed. What colours suit you best?

Love,

Elizabeth

**X**X**X**X**X**

Dear Lady Elizabeth,

First, I must say that your name is very beautiful. It reminds me of someone very dear to me.*

Haha...it makes _me_ happy to hear that you feel honored to talk to me. And you have even sent me cookies! Homemade, too! How would I be offended? No true gentleman-such as myself- would ever reject such a gift.

Are you of my people? The cookies you sent me looked and tasted exactly like what I would have made. I enjoyed them so much! Do you think you can send me a recipe?

Hmm...let's see...my absolute favourite fruit is the apple; after all, it _is_ my national fruit.** But I also like...tomatoes...but don't tell Antonio about that! I don't know what he would do. And for my favourite vegetable? That would be either the cauliflower for its lovely taste or Brussels sprouts because it is packed with nutrition that does wonders for the body. But strawberries _are_ one of the tastiest fruits out there...

Without a doubt, you _must_ be British! I love those colours as well! But I would add green along with them.

Yes, bloodshed is never a good thing. Even after seeing beyond my fair share of blood being shed on the battlefield, it still has me shaken up a bit.

Honestly, my dear friend, Ms. Fairy, would love to meet you. But because we are not face to face, she has only told me to tell you 'hi'. You two would probably become friends immediately!

With much pleasure,

~Arthur Kirkland

**XXXXXX**

*** -Queen Elizabeth**

**** -I...don't think England has a national fruit...but the apple was pretty famous in England back in the Roman times.**

**Ahh...this letter felt calm.**

**Oh and I'm using favourite and colour instead of favorite and color because I totally forgot that I'm supposed to be acting British...**


	8. From Totally Not Sealand

**From Totally Not Sealand**

**XXXXX**

Hey there, Jerk!

Don't insult America! Pssh. He's way cooler than you anyday, and he would let me play Left 4 Dead 2 as late as I wanted, I'll bet... (Unlike SOMEBODY. Cough cough.)

Anyways, since you ARE asking for questions... -smirk-

1) Would you rather watch a horror movie with Russia or a /suggestive/ movie with France?

2) Am I a better territory than America? (C'mon, you know you wanna answer this one truthfully!)

3) Tell them about the April fool's Day story. DON'T LIE, I WAS THERE. Not really a question, but hey?

Well, I gotta go help Raivis hide Russia's pipe while he's drunk. It's been fun, brows.

~The amazing independent sovereign nation of Sealand ;D

**X**X**X**X**X**

Sealand,

How typical. Taking sides with another country-who has not even recognized you-just because he let you play some video games? Rated M video games? How naïve of you. Well...I am glad that you are not at my house, running up my electricity bills.

1) Uh, a horror movie with Russia, thank you. There is a less chance that I would be molested during it. N-n-not that you should even _know _what _molest_ means you brat!

2) No. You're not. When Alfred was a child, he never annoyed me this much. Well...until he grew _up _that is...

3) April fool's Day story? I am going to assume that you are referring to the last April fool's Day, where you went around screaming that I had finally recognized you as a country? No of course not. How about the one before that, when it was _clear_ that I was having a horrible day, and I told you that Russia had recognized you as a country and wanted to become allies? I recall telling you to go to his house and telling him that you agreed to become allies. Too bad...Belarus was there...

Oh yes, get caught why don't you. Don't come running to me if your plan goes wrong.

By the way, you also have my eyebrows if you have not had the pleasure of noticing.

~Arthur Kirkland

P.S. Please learn how to speak less like America. All of those 'wannas' and 'gottas' make my eyes want to bleed.

**XXXXXX**

**I made up that April fool's day thing D:**

**I had no idea what you were talking about...**

**Oh and...if you're going to send more Sealand letter's please make an account? I might turn off allowing anonymous reviews. **

**EDIT: Sorry if that thing in parenthesis sounded like it came from me! Sometimes I put things in the letter before I start writing to plan what I might want England to say. Wow, if that actually came from me, I'd sound like a total arschloch (to avoid cursing in English) wouldn't I?**


	9. From Wohalin

**From wohalin**

**XXXXX**

Hi, England... I've come to ask you some questions, so yeah. Um, /uncomfortable laugh...

I'm sorry; I'm hopeless at this sort of thing. Don't mind me, yes?

Here they are:

1) How was Hong Kong when you had him? Did he show any emotion back then, either?

2) What is your favorite foreign food?

3) Is there any nation you would like to know better? (Ah, I'm sorry if I'm being invasive. ^^")

4) What is your favorite tea and why? Personally, I love chamomile.~

5) Would you rather get leered at by Russia for an entire meeting or be punched in the face by Japan?

6) In your pirate days, weren't you a bit of an alcoholic? A-Ah, although... I don't know, inner me kind of fears you getting completely awesomely smashed in pirate!regalia and killing Sealand or Wales. Be safe always. :3

7) You land on an island with America, Canada, France, and Russia. Would you be able to work together to figure out a solution to get help, or would you argue?

8) (Last one, I promise.) If you were human, what career would you be most interested in pursuing?

So yes, that's all, and thank you very much in advance for your response! May I have a quick hug?

Sincerely,

xx wohalin

X**X**X**X**X

Dear Wohalin,

1) Ah yes...Hong Kong...he was a bit of a strange fellow back then. Of course, better then that stupid git Alfred was when he was little, except I could never tell whether or not Hong Kong liked me or hated me. It was quite awkward between us for the first few decades and still, nothing has really changed...

2) Scones, obviously! Quite sadly, it did not come from England. It came from that damned Scotland. However, he was still under my influence at the time!

3) No way! I know every one of them quite well already. More than I would like to as a matter of fact...

4) Well...that is a tough question. Seeing as there are over one hundred different teas to choose from. Hmm...Perhaps Earl Gray? Yes, definitely. Now that I think about it, it might be time for me to have some tea...

5) What kind of absurd and utterly arbitrary question is that? For one, Russia _already_ leers at people! Two! Japan-as you must already know- is a bit of a...girl at times. Not enough to be Polandish but you know. Pansyish? Whatever! Just don't tell him that I'm saying all of this rubbish about him, will you? Japan is too _nice_ for that.

6) An alcoholic? In my _pirate days_? HA! Rum, whisky! You know the stuff. I had it all! I must say those days were probably the best times of my life! Well...unless you include my punk days. God...I was bloody cool then...

...Anywho!

Back when I was a pirate, I was feared by everyone! I could have any damn thing I wanted, whenever I bloody wanted it and no one complained! Except for Spain but you know how that ended! So don't worry. You're not the only one who was scared, but...

Killing Sealand? Wales? Hell, what kind of a question is that? No matter how much I...*clears throat* _dislike_ them, I would never kill them. I'm mean...do you know what that would do to my um...reputation?

7) OK first. What the bloody hell am I doing on an island with those idiots? Second...Cana-what? Third. I wouldn't even waste my time trying to figure anything out with those people. I would, of course, teleport myself off that island with my magic. It's as simple as that.

8) Job? Hmm...Prime Minister. Why not?

A...hug? Why? Honestly, I do not think that would be appropriate. I'm going to have to say no to that.

Good day,

~Arthur Kirkland

**XXXXX**

**OMG I FREAKING UPDATED! ;_;**

**It's been like forever has it not?**

**Well, my reasons for this are because I had this long science project to do, so I could barely get on the computer unless it was to do my project. I was actually supposed to update a few days ago but I was grounded for reasons that shall not be named. _**

**So anyways, I'll try my best to alert you guys from now on for the times when I won't be updating for a while. Hope I didn't make any of you mad or anything.**

**Please comment (via letter or just a comment) and...**

**Have a jolly good day old chaps. May God Save the Queen and all that palarva~ **

**/shot/ **


	10. From Ara Heartless

**From Ara-Heartless**

**WARNING: A LITTLE CHEF!ENGLAND BASHING. PLEASE, DO **_**NOT**_** TRY ANYTHING BELOW. FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.**

**XXXXX**

Dear Arthur,

Hello. Sorry for bothering you but I figured I would send a letter to my favorite country. (I'm not fond of my own country, but I will not insult him directly at all. It's not my fault I dislike being in America...oh, well no matter.)

Haha, before I get more side tracked I should say what I wrote to say... Which I have no clue of at this time...

Oh! Right!

Just to tell you, I've had some English food and I loved it. Even forced my friend to buy me lunch one day just so I could have some of it (can't remember it was though, sorry.

Anyway, since my country seems to have a low supply of your food (and I myself cannot cook a thing without messing up haha.) I was wondering if I could possibly get a good recipe from you through this! I think it would be great, I'll just have to make my twin help me make it due to my nonexistent cooking skills. Haha...

Oh, I also wish people would stop being so rude to you. I doubt you are dull or stuck up; you just have to live amongst morons all day. I get it. I live around complete idiots who are wasting their very graciously given lives each day. Drives me crazy! (I do believe I may murder one of them one of these days. I want to see them laugh about that. Treating life like a game, I hate them so.)

Well, I shall stop rambling to you, sir. I truly hope you have a wonderful day. I think I'm going to get myself a cup of tea for the morning now. Sorry again for being an annoying human. (All humans shall die thankfully. :) )

Sincerely and lovingly,

Ara

P.S. No matter what others say, please remain how you are because you are perfect and better than them as is.

**X**X**X**X**X**

Dear Ara,

I am your favourite country? W-well! I would not blame you! Who would dare choose America over a gentleman like me?

Y-you..._love_...my cooking? O-oh my...I thank you. After the amount of mentally unpleasant insults that have been thrown at me for the past while, it makes me proud to see at least _someone_ (even though you are from _America_) enjoying my cooking. But I must know; where did you get the food? Hopefully it was not some cheap imitation of it that you found in America. It is not truly called English food if it is not from England.

A recipe? Not a problem. Ah, some British Scones would do fine, correct? I've been meaning to try out this old recipe I found in this cookbook that just _happened _to be...lying...around...

Oh and, please make sure you have them at 5 o'clock tea. If you do not have 5 o'clock tea then now is the perfect time to _start_ having 5 o'clock tea, hm?

Now let's get started.

Ingredients

2 cups of all-purpose flour

6 teaspoons of baking soda

1 teaspoon of salt

1 cup of buttermilk

3/4 cups of butter

But... my cookbook says that I shouldn't add yeast, sugar, or eggs. What a stupid cookbook. For my recipe, I would add 3 tablespoons of instant yeast because, obviously, you don't want your scones to rise, I would add 1/2 cup of sugar because you want your scones to taste good, and then 1 egg because...what recipe does not have an egg in it? Honestly...

Directions (Please do in order!)

1) Preheat the oven to 265 degrees C. (510 degrees Fahrenheit)

2) Mix everything together in a rather large bowl with your hands until you see crumbs form. If it is too watery, add at least a cup more of flour to get the desired texture. If it is too floury, do not worry. It won't make a difference in the scones.

3) Keep stirring until you have dough in your bowl.

NOTE: By this time, your oven should have long since been preheated. If it is over 5 minutes past preheated, you should probably hurry. Actually...yeah, you should hurry.

4) Take your dough and split it into 2 large pieces.

5) Place it on a baking pan; spread the dough flat on the pan. Do not grease the pan because why would you want over 1 cup of butter in your scones?

6) Now, cut each section crosswise into 4 pieces but not...wait. The book says to cut each crosswise into 4 pieces but not all the way through. Well I want my scones to not be connected with the other scones, thank you!

You know what? Let's stop using this absurd cookbook. It was probably made by Americans anyway...

Cut the dough into 8 individual pieces, please.

7) Put the pan in the oven for 60 minutes and wait.

8) Go and read a good book in this time of waiting or just take a quick nap. Oh and...the smell emitting from the oven means that the scones are being cooked all the way.

9) Now that the fire alarm has started to go off, now would be a good time to take out your scones.

10) Just let them sit on the stove for about 10 minutes and then they should be good to go!

11) If when you start eating the scones, you find that they are a little hard and black, don't worry! That's just all the nutrients that have risen to the top of the scones during baking time. They are actually what makes the scones a healthy treat!

12) Remember to also make tea with your scones!

I hope you enjoyed that recipe!

And yes, you are entirely correct. I'm surrounded by bloody _idiots_!

But murder? Well I...guess that is your opinion...

What makes you think that you are an annoying human? Not all of you humans are annoying. Just the majority of Americans, French, Russians...I believe you get the idea.

Haha...I...see...

But...you do realize that you too are a human? '=.=

Good day to you,

~Arthur Kirkland

**XXXXX**

**OK. Recipe. About that. I know that someone has done this before. That person being 'karatemaster101' and their hilarious story 'England's Amazing Cookbook.'**

**Seriously, you people should read it. I've got nothing on that person.**

**(Fail at advertisement :D)**

**Anyway, anything that was similar in this recipe to karatemaster101's was merely coincidental and really, I tried my best to make it really different from hers...or his...=.=**

**Oh and...yeah...I did get this from an actual recipe. Would you like to see what it originally looked like? :D**

Hot scones, served as they are removed from the oven, are an English specialty. A MUST for five o'clock tea. Serve with butter and jam.

Preparation: easy. Cost: inexpensive. Preparation time: 30 minutes; total baking time 10 minutes. Oven temperature: 425 degrees middle rack.

This is what you'll need for 8 scones:

2 c. all-purpose flour

2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 c. butter

3/4 c. buttermilk

In a large bowl, combine flour, baking powder, and salt. Add butter. Combine with your fingers, a wooden spoon or a pastry blender until coarse crumbs form. Add buttermilk. Quickly stir to form dough.

Divide dough in half. Form each half into a ball. Flatten to a round. Place on lightly greased baking sheet. Cut each crosswise into 4 pieces but not all the way through. Bake at 425 degrees for 10-15 minutes. Serve hot. Is properly served with Earl Grey tea, of course!


	11. From N and S Ireland

**From Niki-the-awesome**

**Haha, yeah, hopefully I do. It'll at least give me something else to do.**

**XXXXX**

Hey! Arthur!

You took my fecken i-pod and I want it back! It's already bad enough with this bloody recession makin me hack up god knows what every hour, but now you take away that too? Don't make me come over there and deck yah, yah daughnty little bastard! Don't think just because we're brothers I won't do it!

Oh...and I did the paper work you wanted. So get off my back. YES the northern parts are workin up to date Arthur. Holy hell! There is still more south then north to me! (if you catch my drift)

-Danny (North AND SOUTH Ireland)

p.s. stop callin me the drunk! At least I hit people when I'm sippin de stuff, compared to molestin them!

**X**X**X**X**X**

Ireland,

What the bloody hell! Did you ever stop to think that maybe _Sealand_ or _Scotland_ took your iPod? Why the hell would I want your iPod? Every time you lose _anything_, you always blame me first!

Please, I'm used to your crap. Remember the days of stones and arrows?

It's about damn time. It takes you a whole fucking month to finish even one assignment I give you...

And no I do not 'catch your drift', whatever that means!

Like I give a piss,

~Arthur Kirkland

P.S. _HA_! You drink more than I do, you know! And I do not _molest_ people! The bloody hell? That was only one time and I had enough _control_ to _stop myself_!*

**XXXXX**

***Haha, yeah I know that's a lie. Have you ever seen doujinshi? ;)**


	12. From Texas

**From Zelda03**

**XXXXX**

Dear Arthur,

Hello, how are you? This is Texas. I just wanted to know, but don't tell anybody I asked you, it's a secret that I don't want anyone to know. But I heard you can see magical creatures, like fairies, unicorns, ect. But can you really see them? I want to know so I can finally tell myself I'm not , I can see ? I have no you tell Alfred what I just told you I will personally go over to your house and kick your ass. Well thats all I wanted to ask of you for now,bye!

-Texas-

P.S. Tag your it

**X**X**X**X**X**

Hello...Texas,

You're one of America's many many children, correct?*

Yes, I can see any magical creatures...

You can see them, too? W-wow...That makes you, Norway, and I.

W-well um... My only guess would be because of America's connection to me...You and I _are_ related...

What if America can see them too but he never told me? I would kick his arse if that was true! But, then again. His annoying hero-complex would probably scare all the creatures away.

Will I be hearing about your encounters soon?

~Arthur Kirkland

**XXXXX**

**Seriously, 50 children? Someone's been a promiscuous boy~**


	13. From AquaGrace

**From AquaGrace**  
**XXXXX**  
Dearest Arthur Kirkland

Thank you for taking time out of your extremely awesome busy life to read this! You're the coolest gentleman ever (every girls dream to have caring gentleman *sighs*) and know how to put people in their place! Makes me proud to be a black British! (Part Jamaican)  
You know, I think you only get bushy eyebrows if you're extremely intelligent because it's rare to see people with very bushy eyebrows! And with 37 countries under Great Britain's control when the British Empire was at its peak, I'll say your intelligence is off the charts! ;D  
And I'm a terrible cook too! Something always goes wrong when I cook! Haha and I heard you like sewing, how cute! You're my favourite country! Just one question bugging me: You know the Jamaica have you seen her lately or is she still mad about the trade?  
Keep up the good work sweetie, and kick France's ass for me!  
Thousands of love hearts,  
AquaGrace  
**X**XXX**X**  
Dear AquaGrace,

I _am_ the coolest gentleman ever, am I not? On the other hand, if you are looking for more people like me, you should come by England sometime. My land is full of both Gentleman and Ladies who are far more superior to that of the French.  
Thank you for the compliment but I must disagree. I could give you a list of others with eyebrows like mine who are not intelligent at all. In fact, I will.  
-That brat Sealand  
-That wanker Scotland  
-That ungrateful Ireland  
And just because this list of the unintelligent would seem meaningless without him:  
-That bloody git America  
Haha...well...I don't mean to brag but yes. I would say my intelligence _is_ off the charts.  
Hey wait. What was the meaning of that sentence, 'I'm a horrible cook _too_'? I'm not a horrible cook! Please refrain from including me in that statement!  
And I like to call it _embroidery_.  
C-cute? *blush* Well it _is_ something of a sport in my country...  
-Silence-  
Well I..._really_ don't think it would be wise to mention that, for obvious reasons of course. No I haven't seen her.

I will gladly oblige (the Frenchie ass-kickery included)  
T-thank you...,  
~Arthur Kirkland  
**XXXXX**

**OK peoples, I'm going to England's house for a little longer than a week. Currently, I'm at the airport waiting for the plane so if anything comes out looking funky or anything, blame Google Docs. And since I'm leaving for so long, I'm submitting 6 or so letters. Merry Christmas and have an awesome New Year!**


	14. From The United States of Awesome

**From America (cloudysunnyskies)**  
**Yeah, I know it's passed Thanksgiving but...I'll make it seem as if it never came yet.**  
**Yeah...**  
**XXXXX**  
Hey, Artie! The United States of AWESOME here!

So I heard you started sending letters. That's pretty cool, dude! You stay stuck inside waaaayy too much. Live a little, old man~  
Thanksgiving's coming up soon, Artie! You know what that means? Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce...the works! Feasts fit for a king, all across the country! You should come over to my house. Maybe the taste of real food can bring your taste buds back to life! That guy who lives north of me...whassis name? Camaka? Canacha? Well, he's coming over too, so we can have a party!  
And after Thanksgiving comes Christmas! Totally cool. I already got your present (a cookbook, and-because I'm awesome-a custom apron with the hazardous waste symbol on it! Ah ha ha! Isn't that the greatest?) So I hope you send me one. And not another box with a boxing glove on a spring. Not cool, dude.  
I saw Ivan's letter-"naff"? What's a "naff"? It sounds hysterical! You silly Brits and your silly non-insulting insults. Why do you guys have to talk so weird? I can't understand you half the time!  
Well, my boss is calling me. Write back soon, Artie!  
Alfred F. Jones  
The United States of America  
**XX**X**XX**  
Idiot,

I thought I made it _perfectly_ clear that I did not want people like you sending me letters!  
But...no matter. I know you of all people would not have cared anyway.  
Bloody hell! Why must I always find myself telling you the exact same thing every year?  
I do not celebrate Thanksgiving! And what makes you think I want to eat your blasphemous food! I'll probably be diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and heart disease that very day!  
Oh do you mean...Cana...Cana...da? Canada? Canada! Yes, Canada!  
What the hell is wrong with you? You cannot even remember your own...er...brother's... name!  
Are you stupid? Wait don't answer that.  
Why would you tell me my Christmas present? It's not even bloody Christmas yet!  
Hazardous waste symbol? Why ever would you want me to wear that?  
Ah yes, I know what to get you for your Christmas present now; an Oxford English Dictionary. The entire goddamn collection.  
Once you receive it, look up the word 'naff.' Then, maybe, if God spare life, you'll understand what the hell 'naff' means. You know what? Read the entire bloody thing (if you can manage) and refresh your vocabulary! I cannot even _begin_ to tell you how many words you both spell and pronounce wrong! Like the word Aluminium. You spell it Aluminum and pronounce it something like A-loo-minum. It's bloody pronounced Alu-mee-nium!*

~Arthur Kirkland  
**XXXXX**  
***So like...Thanksgiving was when the Americans (Pilgrims) and the Wampanoag Native Americans ate a bunch of food in Plymouth, Massachusetts. It's a Canadian and American (Mainly American) holiday.. England wouldn't celebrate it...**  
***Uh let's see...The British chemist, Humphry Davy, was the one who named the isolated mineral alumia, Aluminium. Then he changed it to Aluminum. But since other British chemists were pissed off at that name, they made him change it back to Aluminium. Us Americans decided to stick with Aluminum because it's easier to say and spell with less syllables. No seriously, this is all true.**

**So anyways, yeah...mhm. =**_


	15. From Ivan 2

**From Russia (PimpinSushi)**  
**XXXXX**  
Dear Arthur,  
Do not flatter yourself, I just happen to have very good timing. It is not as if I am stalking you or anything, even I have hobbies that are not creepy. Like gardening, да? ((or at least attempting to...))  
You give yourself too much credit, Arthur. There is this thing... it is called a cookbook. I really do think you should consider finding one. For the sake of all of us. Oh, and fairies do not exist. Unless you count yourself. ZING!  
да, Ireland has indeed been contacting me. Oddly enough, I do not see why you two harbor such animosity towards each other... you two have a lot in common.  
My my, Arthur, someone is definitely pissy today. Did Francis fuck you into the bed again? Do not be so defensive, да? The whole world knows about you two already.  
How... crude of you! I thought you Britishmen were supposed to be "gentleman." But I suppose if the British motto is true, "once a punk always a punk."  
Let me warn you, England. Do not antagonize me about my fires; that is a very touchy subject for me and I thought as an ally, you would even show a tad bit of concern. Hell, even Alfred has showed a little more respect. If your land caught on fire ((you know, all three acres.)) I would definitely not tease you about it. Even I know when to refrain from kicking a man when he is down. T.T  
((And what is with all of the curse words? You watch your language, young man.))  
My country is cold? At least mine is not depressing where it rains all of the god damn time! And what in the name of Tchaikovsky are you talking about? My cooking is "confusing?" Perhaps it is just too complicated for your inefficient British brain to handle. Because you know, it requires "skill" to cook something so delicious as Russian food. I would not call your strawberry filled poison "skill." I would call it "death."  
Okay Arthur, now you are just slandering the name of Mother Russia for your own enjoyment. I would not talk about gross, Mr. Bubonic Plague. I thought you were a genius, why the hell did it take you six decades to realize the disease was being spread by rats. That was not one of your shining moments, Arthur. So take THAT, да?  
Well, I would not call your rum the best... but it certainly gives me kind of a buzz. ((After about six drinks)) My vodka is simple, tall, and strong. Like me! Perhaps that is why I love it so much. Rum is sour... boring, and gives you a headache; kind of like you. That would explain why your only friends are related to you.  
Nothing wrong? Arthur, your eyebrows represent Liverpool and Aberdeen... two of the biggest cities in England. That tells you something.  
Burn in myself? As in the burning sensation of the amazing tasting vodka? I will definitely go drink then, because you said so.  
With hate and animosity,  
Иван Брагинский  
P.S. Why? It is not as if you are using your land for anything useful...  
P.P.S. You know what Arthur, this letter has been more amusing than anything. It made me realize just how stuffy you Brits can be. Kolkolkol.  
P.P.S. Do not mention... "you-know-who's" name... when you do... she shows up and bad things happen. o_o. Kind of like that one man from Harry Potter. -in tiny font- Voldemort-/tiny font-...  
Well, someone is at the door, I am off.  
**XX**X**X**X

...Ivan,

I deem the fact that you are a gardener is frightening enough.  
I do own a cookbook! I just...find it inadequate. If you actually read one, you'll find they make no sense!  
Oh so fairy's are not real? Then just who was I talking to this morning? It was a fairy. _Ms_. Fairy to be exact!  
Why would I count myself? I know that I'm a country and not a fairy...not that I want to be a fairy. I'm an angel enough as it is**. What-what is a ZING? What is that?  
Ha! The only thing me and Ireland have in common is that we are on the same island and run under the same government. Nothing more.  
What the bloody fuck? Again, you're sticking your massive head into my love life? back off already! Screw Francis and screw the whole bloody world! I'm tired of people always asking me about my relationships! It's none of your goddamn business!  
I can be a gentleman if I _want_ to be! And you don't know how much of a _compliment_ that is to me! Do you know what I have to say to that? Bugger off you arse~  
If it is so 'touchy' don't bloody bring it up!  
If you have not noticed (which I honestly doubt) I have my own problems to deal with. Do you see me bombarding you with my problems? No! You don't! Think about that for a while.  
Alfred? Showing respect? Hell, he probably has some hidden fondness for you. Otherwise, he wouldn't give a crap...  
T-three acres? I'm 322233600 acres thank you!  
Sure it rains a lot but at least the weather varies from something other than snow!  
The only other definition of your food would then have to be blatantly simple, then. All you Russians eat is bloody dumplings. I swear, the only variation is that you put something different in them.  
Maybe we were too _sick_ to find that out in quicker time! And what about you? You were part of the bubonic plague as well, were you not?  
Your vodka is also tasteless, putrid, and disgusting, very much like you actually!  
T-that's not-

I have a lot of friends that are not related to me...  
T-there's nothing wrong with my eyebrows being larger than most! In fact, many educated people (minus Sealand) have eyebrows like mine so that should tell _you_ something!

Always sending curses your way,  
~Arthur Kirkland

**XXXXX**  
**Translations~**  
**-** **да = Yes**  
**- Иван Брагинский = Ivan Braginski**  
**I don't know if I'm just blind or crazy but I couldn't find the other Russian word, British Idiot. I reread this over about 5 times but I couldn't find it. :( If it's in there...please tell me.**  
***Ms. Fairy = Yousei-san. **  
**** Do you believe in Britannia Angel?**


	16. From Carmen AKA Chile 2

**Fr****o****m Chile #2 (****i wrote this song for you)**

**XXXXX**

Yoooo

England, just so you know... Stealing grapes is sooooooo not cool! I would give your tea back but... Well... It appears as is your beloved ally France ran away with it... I don't feel like chasing him soooooooooooooo... HAVE FUN GETTING YOUR TEA BACK, DUDE!

In most USxUK fics you're on the bottom. I find that hilarious. Really.

I was wondering if you're like that kid from Sixth Sense. Can you see dead people too? Anyhoo I really must be going now... I need to find France...

Heh heh heh

Stealing grapes is bad...

-Chile

**X**X**X**X**X**

Chile,

I would not have _stolen_ your grapes if you had not _stolen_ my tea!

B-beloved ally? That damned Frog is nothing of the like! He can kiss my British arse for all he's worth!

Hmph…that Frog does not have all of my tea because you didn't steal all of it. I've just remembered that I have an entirely different collection of tea hidden somewhere in my house. There's no way you could have found it!

Th-the Ffff-what? O/O

P-people think that I am-would be on the-

N-no! This must be the third damn time somebody has mentioned these obviously inaccurate stories! To set the record straight, none of that is true! I swear, those stories were written by that damn France and his stupid lovers in an attempt to humiliate me!

They can all just shove it up their arse and find a life.

Bloody idiots…

Yes, I can see dead people thank you.

I thought you weren't going to find France in the first place?

Stealing tea is worse,

~Arthur Kirkland

**XXXXX**


End file.
